multiple pursuits of happiness
by sunlightkisses
Summary: Series of AU oneshots/drabbles/vignettes. // FROM Ichigo Meanpoop: ... Keigo. Stop spamming. And seriously, 69? / Keigo abuses his new texting plan.
1. seven minutes in a closet : ichiruki

A / N :

So. My first foray into the Bleach fandom. I'm trying out a new style of writing from my usual as well. This story will be a series of one - shots / drabbles / vignettes, most likely all AU and in a ... non - normal format. Like, I have some other drabbles written out in IM - ing and texting form. I may occasionally write some in a very ... imagery ? I guess ? style as well. Before I shut up and let you read, I must say : I will very much appreciate ANY feedback given :) Thank you !

**EDIT : **I got an anonymous review asking what MFK was, sorry for any of those who didn't know. MFK = Marry F*** Kill. Basically, you have a selection between three people and you have to choose which one to marry, which one to f*** and which one to kill.

Disclaimer : Even my stick figures kinda fail. There's no way I could draw a manga.

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**seven minutes in a closet with orangeberry and midget : ichigo & rukia**

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**( start )**

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"Tell me, Ichigo. How did this happen again?"

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" … How did what happen?"

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"The start of the Earth and God and Chappy and all that is holy."

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" … WHA – ''

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"WHAT DO YOU THINK, MORON?"

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"I WOULDN'T BE ASKING IF I KNEW, WOULD I, BITCH!"

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"Look at your surroundings. What do you see, in that tiny little brain of yours?"

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"Nothing but your ugly mug – OW! FUCK! THAT HURT, RUKIA!"

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"THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO STUPID PEOPLE. We're in a CLOSET, you IDIOT. TOGETHOR. JUST THE TWO OF US. IN A CRAMPED SPACE MEANT FOR SPARE CLEANING SUPPLIES. TELL ME ICHIGO, DO I LOOK LIKE A BROOM TO YOU? OR ARE YOU SOME KIND OF NEW MODEL OF VACUUM CLEANER AND HAVE YET TO TELL ME SO?"

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"Wow. Do all midgets have EARTH SHATTERING-LY LOUD VOICES, or is it just you?"

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"Shattering-ly is not even a WORD, Mr. I Got Ninety Eight Point Seven Percent In Honors English Shakespeare! And for the last time, I AM AT A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WEIGHT AND HEIGHT RANGE!"

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"According to what, an electronic device? Some faulty website?"

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"No, by a qualified DOCTOR – your father, to be exact!"

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"We all know my father is a freak. Besides, he probably thought you were a brat and compared you to a ten year old's growth chart."

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"Why you - ! UGGGGH. Whatever. Stop distracting me, Neonberry!"

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"I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT. My hair is NOT neon."

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"Shut up, Orangeberry. You. Me. Closet. Why."

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"How. The. Hell. Should. I. Know."

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"Think through that tiny little brain of yours. Shouldn't take too long. As I said before, not much to go through."

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"SHUT UP, RUKIA. How do you expect me to think when I have you jabbering away stupid things in the background!"

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"YOU VOLOUNTEERED, YOU IDIOT! YOU VOLOUNTEERED US! NOT JUST YOU, NOT JUST ME, BUT YOU AND I BOTH! TO PLAY SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN! IN THIS DAMN CLOSET! AND NOW EVERYONE OUT THERE THINK WE'RE MAKING OUT LIKE LEO AND KATE IN TITANIC! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD – mmmmmf!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMMMMF! MMMMMMF!"

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"MMMM – PAH! ICHIGO! WHAT WAS THAT? YOU COULD HAVE CHOKED ME, YOU IDIOT! WHAT –''

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"Oi. Midget. There's something called silence. Try and learn it."

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"HOW CAN I –''

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"RUKIA, I WILL COVER YOUR MOUTH AGAIN."

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" … I hate you right now. No, wait – take off the right now. I hate you."

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"Well, who else could I have picked?"

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"… Have you received some blunt head trauma, orangeberry? What on earth are you blabbering on about now?"

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"I'm answering your question, dumbass. Yumichika, insane pervert that he is, somehow has a pair of my boxers - "

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" … That doesn't sound gay at ALL."

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"Shut up and let me finish. Anyways, somehow the little creeper got a pair, and he's threatening to sell them to some random fangirl. He even has a picture of them on his phone to prove he has them. That's why I came to this stupid thing in the first place. That fricking pretty boy's been blackmailing me to do whatever he says this entire night."

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" … And why am I the only girl you could have possibly picked? There's, like, at least thirty other at this party. For reasons I will never know, some may have actually wanted to come in here with you, unlike me."

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"I don't want to be stuck in here for seven minutes with any of those whores! You know, herpes isn't something I really want to get, Rukia. Something I'm sure you don't have, due to the fact that no guy would ever be delusional enough to date you and all."

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"Excuse me! I'll have you know that just the other day –''

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"Keigo doesn't count."

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"IT WASN'T KEIGO. It was, in fact, Kaien-san! He was so sweet, he bought me a Chappy Plushie and took me to the Chappy merchandise store and -

... Ichigo. Are you okay? You look like Regina did when she found out about the whole Cady being a traiter thing."

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"THAT MOTHER FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM! I'LL CHOP OFF HIS HEAD AND FEED IT TO CHAD'S BIRD, THEN I'LL GRIND – ''

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"EXCUSE ME? What the hell's wrong with you? What has Kaein-san ever done to you!"

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" – GET YACHIRU TO KICK HIS NUTSACK SO HARD THAT – What? What do you mean, what has he ever done to me? I hate that little fuck face! He – he – he –''

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"Are you laughing, or stuttering?"

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"SHUT THE FUCK UP. He – kicked a puppy! Yeah! I saw him kicking a puppy the other day! Anyone who kicks a puppy deserves a lifetime of hate! Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, after Yachiru gives her signature freaky ass kick –''

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"I recall you saying Kaien-san was your role model just yesterday. I even remember the sentence! I believe it went, 'Yeah, the dude's awesome, his five pointer is frigging flawless –' ''

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"THREE pointer, not five, moron. And well … that was before I saw him kicking a puppy! And definetly before he asked you out! Why the fuck would he do that? I mean, is he fucking psychotic? Why would he ask YOU out? WHY WOULD HE ASK YOU OUT? WHY? WHY? I AM SO GETTING KENPACHI TO BEAT UP HIS SORRY ASS – ''

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"YOO HOO ~ TEN MORE SECONDS, LOVEBIRDS! We all heard you guys passionately moaning loud confessions the entire seven minutes! When I get in, I better see some action, Ichigo ~ ! Or else … Fangirl three eight one will be VERY happy soon ~ !"

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"… Ichigo. May I suggest you kill Yumichika, not Kaien-san?"

" – FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK RUKIA PLEASE FORGIVE ME – ''

"What are you mumbling about – mmmmmf!"

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"I'M COMING IN – ICHIGO! WHY, SO YOU ARE TRULY A MAN NOW ~ ! SO PASSIONATE! Why, both you and Rukia have your eyes open to stare at each other in passion while kissing! What a beautiful scene! Why, it seems Rukia is blushing in pleasure! What a beautiful expression!"

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*

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"Oi. Abarai. Stop trying to look up my skirt and pay listen to me."

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"Like I'd ever try and look up your skirt, Arisawa?"

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"Your head was below my legs. What, were you trying to read the tag of my underwear then?"

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"I love when you talk dirty … OUCH!"

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"You big baby, I didn't even kick you that hard. Anyways. Did you hear that commotion? It sounds like Yumichika's blabbering on and on about Ichigo being a man and – wait a minute. Oh my god. Oh my frigging god."

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" … DID HE JUST SAY THAT ICHIGO AND RUKIA WERE KISSING?"

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"I think he said kissing beautifully in passionate fits, to be exact. But – oh my god …"

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"... Whatever."

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"WHAT?"

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"Look, everyone knows Ichigo and Rukia have been hot for each other since day one. And he always marries Rukia every time we play MFK, even when some brutally hot chicks like Orihime and Matsumoto were in the running."

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"I'll ignore the fact that you called our friends 'brutally hot chicks'. Seriously? I never knew that!"

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"Yeah, he always picks her while grumbling something about 'knowing her best' or 'someone has to make sure she doesn't ogle bunnies for the rest of her life', but we all know it's just an act. Dude, I think he actually loves her."

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"I wouldn't be surprised. Remember that time the asshole from Hueco Mundo – Grimmjow, I think – tried to knock her out?"

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"Holy fucking shit man, that was fucking scary."

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"I know. The only times Ichigo ever gets that pissed is if Rukia is involved, in whatever way. But anyways – what were we talking about? Ichigo making out with Rukia?"

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"Trust me, Arisawa, there's nothing to worry about. Rukia can hold her own ground."

… See? Hear that just now?"

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"That girl has a great slap. I wonder if I should try and get her to join the karate club … ?"

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*

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"ICHIGO WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT I AM SO CALLING YOU OUT FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT I WAS GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR KISSING ME BUT WHEN YOUR HAND TRIES TO GRAB MY ASS YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PISSED I AM RIGHT NOW – DON'T YOU RUN! ICHIGO! ICHIGO! GODDAMNIT, STOP USING YOUR LONG LEGS, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR! ICHIGO!"

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**( finish )**

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	2. perils and joys of unlimited texting

**perils and joys of unlimited texting : keigo & co.**

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**x**

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*****

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TO:

Ishida Homosauce, Ichigo Meanpoop, Rukia Gorgeous Lovely, Inoue Stunning Princess, Chad Sado Cool, Mizuiro The Player, Tatsuki Hot Devil, Renji Scary, Ikkaku Sama, Zaraki Sama …

Sent to **69 Contacts**

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I GOTS MYSELF THE ENVY 3 BAAAAAAAAABY ALONG WITH UNLIMITED TEXTING add my new numbers foos!!

I AM THE AMZING KEIGO WOMANIZER BOW TO ME

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From: **Ichigo Meanpoop**

… Keigo. Stop spamming. And seriously, 69?

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From: **Rukia Gorgeous Lovely**

Congrats Keigo :)

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From: **Inoue Stunning Princess**

YAYAYAYAYA KEIGO :)

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From: **Chad Sado**

Keigo – as your friend, I highly suggest you do not abuse your new texting plan and frequently send these type of messages to Ichigo, Ishida, Ikkaku, etc. I may not always be around to distract them from beating you up.

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From: **Ikkaku Sama**

Call me foo one more time and you'll find yourself with your head in the toilet. Again.

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From: **Yachiru Pink Devil**

Hihihihihihihi Scaredy-Chan! Ken-Chan says he will make you eat ass tomorrow if you spam him again! Bye ~ 3

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From: **Zaraki Sama**

Asphalt, not ass. Yachiru screwed up. Don't get any weird ideas, kid.

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From: **Hiyori Scary Short Chick**

STFU BALDY. Shit, you're nearly as bad as Shina87nt-97yn9-ahdvbdbmxncbvljk

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From: **Shinji Scary Smile**

I AM A RAGED SEXUALLY CHARGED HOMO SEXUAL LALALALLALALALLALA GHEI POOOOORN

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From: **Shinji Scary Smile**

It's Hiyori. Damn Baldy (not you, Shinji) jacked my phone and threw it up a bookshelf where I can't reach. So I jacked HIS phone. And kneed him in the balls. Hopefully he won't be able to stand up for some time, cause I plan on having some REAL fun with his phone. Anyways w08yt0wh0ehgjdbkbskdjhfkjsdh SHIT isjhgolihaiehgbipeu987298y

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From: **Shinji Scary Smile**

Keigo. If you got any weird texts from me, especially along the lines of me being a "raged sexually charged homo sexual baldy", IGNORE IT.

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From: **Hitsugaya Not Shiro Chan**

Don't send useless texts to people. Like Bedwetter. Your text distracted her and she nearly wet her pants in excitement when her ringtone cut me off on an explanation of square roots.

(Don't get any ideas, idiot. I'm only tutoring her because if she fails Math, since Hinamori is, for better or for worse, a known associate of mine, it wouldn't look good for my reputation if she fails. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY.)

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New Messages from Tatsuki Hot Devil, Renji Not Pretty Just Scary, Mizuiro Player, Ishida Homosauce, **58 Other Contacts**.

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**A / N :**

Whenever I see that I have a new message, I eagerly check my inbox, HEART POUNDING, no jay kay, to see if someone has left a review. SUBTLEHINTSUBTLEHINT

In all seriousness, I really do appreciate ANY feedback, including constructive criticism. :)


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